Nappies: Nothing Quite Prepares You

There’s advice at antenatal
for all the first time mums,
but nothing quite prepares you
for what comes out of little bums.

Your cute and tiny bundle,
all innocent and happy,
could explode at any moment
with a really leaky nappy.

Where the hell does it all come from?
they’re only very small,
the power that they generate
can send it 6 feet up a wall.

You’re told about the colours
that change as days go by,
a ‘poo rainbow’ to compare,
but like nothing in the sky.

The first one is meconium
it’s green, black, brown and sticky
thick like tar, it’s the first one out,
wiping it off is really tricky.

The midwives say it’s tradition
and meant for the dads to do,
it’s a mean (but funny) intro
into the world of baby poo.

The next stage it turns green
this is normal, so we’re told,
it’s hard for me to describe for you,
maybe an alien with a cold?

Yellow is what follows,
it’s almost brighter than the sun,
often you can hear it,
so you know what they have done.

But there’s one little detail,
that the midwives fail to tell,
and that’s because there are no words
to describe the horrible smell.

Don’t delay or it will linger,
roll your sleeves up, hold your nose,
you just have to get on with it,
work quickly, get the hose.

Both parents should work together,
for a quick, two-pronged attack,
one goes to pick the baby up
to find poo all up its back.

A simple nappy change,
then becomes another ‘OH NO’,
when for the seventh time that day,
you need to wash a Babygro.

But don’t let me deter you,
from having a little one,
just take this as the REAL advice
so you know what is to come.

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